ITEM: So, it’s all over and done with. I’ve taken down my dozen or so cards and the three pieces of tinsel that served as decorations in Chez Tennant, so all the popular and rich people will have to find other reasons to mock.
ITEM: Christmas/Boxing Day I spend with my sister, and so they are the two days of the year when I am exposed to television. There was a conversation that went like this:-
Sister: There’ll be three hours of soaps tonight.
Me: There’ll be a wedding, something to do with a murder, and either a fire or an explosion.
Sister: How’d you know that? You don’t watch soaps.
Me: All those things happened last Christmas, and the year before and the year before that. It’s just a question of which event happens in which soap.
ITEM: I’m old enough to remember a time when the Christmas Day Top of the Pops felt special.
Nowadays I’m confronted with a programme in which Boyzone is the best that’s on offer.
ITEM: Deal or No Deal. How wonderfully apt that it’s sponsored by Anadin, a painkiller.
ITEM: As I suspected it would, the Puppetry of the Penis DVD went down a storm with my girlfriend, even if she didn’t feel she could tell anyone else what I’d bought her.
Good job I got her some other stuff and the DVD was just a stocking filler, or her family and friends would think I’m a real cheapskate.
ITEM: Things you don’t want to hear your girlfriend say on New Year’s Eve – ‘Are you playing noughts and crosses on my back?’
Earlier I’d spelled out the words I LUV U on her back, but of course she didn’t notice that.
So much for winning brownie points as an old romantic.
ITEM: When you wake up with what feels suspiciously like a hangover and yet you haven’t been drinking…
Those Thornton’s alcoholic truffles must have been a lot stronger than I thought.
ITEM: I went round the post office after dark, and decided to take the long way home so that I could look at everybody’s Christmas lights.
I didn’t have a torch with me and my perambulations took me down some very dark alleys, which was slightly disturbing, not because of any Jamesian demon that could have been following behind but at the thought of what I might actually be treading in there in the dark.
It did get spooky at one point, predictably just as I was coming up to the cemetery. I heard footsteps behind me and saw I was being followed by a young woman pushing a pram. I’ve no idea where she came from, and was slightly perturbed that although I walk fast she appeared to be gaining on me.
Eventually I stopped being an idiot with an over-active imagination who writes horror stories and became a sensible bloke who understands that a young woman out on her own after dark is probably more concerned about him than he is about her, and I crossed over and walked on the other side of the road so that she could pass me by without any concern about what this strange bloke out strolling after dark might do.
I still wonder what might have been in the pram though. A baby seems so prosaic, given the situation. I’m sure my imagination can come up with something better given time, and by better I mean far worse.
ITEM: I really do need to get my eyes checked. The other day I read about ‘an impatient administration clerk’, which on further inspection resolved into ‘an inpatient administration clerk’.
Fair enough. But I used to be an administration clerk way back in the Iron Age, and I was certainly impatient, so it’s not a totally unreasonable error to make.
ITEM: Goodbye 2013 and hello 2014. A belated happy new year to anyone who has persevered to read this far down the page. You deserve good things.