ITEM: So what’s been happening with this blog while I’ve been away?
Visitor levels have tumbled (hardly surprising, as I haven’t been posting), but my Alexa ranking has jumped about 150,000 places, which suggests that I’ve swapped hordes of avid readers for an Alexa user who pops in regularly to check I’m doing nothing.
Hey buddy, I like your thinking.
Darling Lucy continues to bring the punters in, but the strangest search engine combination was ‘kylie g worthy trailer park moms torrent pirate bay’.
The mind boggles.
ITEM: Unfortunate combinations of words in online headings continue to amuse me, as with the recent juxtaposition of ‘brain eating warning’ and ‘lisa kudrow’.
My first thought was that it was a new Hollywood diet fad and almost certainly something to do with Gwyneth Paltrow.
ITEM: A conversation with a friend:-
Friend: Did you eat all of that packet of cookies I gave you before you got home?
Me: I might have done.
Friend: I bet you did.
Me: How much?
Friend: My entire life savings.
Me: Oh, piss off.
Friend: I know you so well.
ITEM: The ‘before you got home’ comment in the previous item, references a trip we did to Africa Alive, an experience which has completely changed my opinion of giraffes. They seem so damned cute, elegant and poised on their long, long legs and with their long, long necks, but consider the evidence.
a) A young girl’s parents had paid for her to feed the giraffes, and she stood there with a keeper holding up carrots, while the giraffes leant down and their long, long tongues whipped out, slathering all over the kid’s hand as they scarfed up orange goodness.
b) A baby giraffe had been abandoned by its mother and so was being hand reared, off in an enclosure by itself, but one of the other adult giraffes was nuzzling its ear through the bars, and licking it with that long, long (and grey) tongue.
So far, so godawfully cute, but then…
c) A giraffe decided to urinate, letting go with a healthy stream of pee, and the giraffe next to it dipped down its long, long neck and extended its long, long tongue into the downpour.
And suddenly a) and b) just don’t seem so cute any more.
ITEM: On the subject of urine, recently mine has started to smell of mushy peas, even though I haven’t eaten mushy peas for months now.
Perhaps this olfactory confusion is the first sign of some brain disorder.
In a similar vein, I’m sure that the other day I saw an eye staring up at me through the plughole in the bath.
ITEM: A week or so back, I was discussing bedroom etiquette with a friend, and she disagreed with my opinion that it was obligatory to ensure your partner got some jollies after you’ve had your own.
Friend: God no. As soon as I have an orgasm I want the guy to leave. I hate the sight of them.
Me: I’m so glad we’re just friends, not lovers.
Friend: Too right. You live miles away. You’d want to stop the night.
Sigh! This is not the kind of romance that I grew up with and that prompts C&W singers to write soppy love songs.
I’d say that I no longer understand women, but that would imply at some point in my life I thought I did, and I’ve already used up my presumption quota for the week.
ITEM: As I grow older and more bitter, I find I’m far less conservative in the things that sexually arouse me.
Last week a woman told me about a death fantasy she’d had involving David Cameron, and I was so turned on that I wanted to jump her there and then, but they tend to frown on that sort of thing in public parks.
ITEM: Yesterday I cleaned my house, vacuumed and dusted, sorted stuff out etc. It’s amazing how quickly September comes round again.
If you should wish to visit me, there’s a two to three week window of opportunity before the desres reverts to its usual state of touting for a public health/biohazard warning from the proper authorities.
ITEM: That nice chap Stephen Theaker is now having Theakerly Thoughts over on his blog.
He appears to be putting forth intelligent opinion pieces instead of smut aimed at the lowest common denominator and yet, bafflingly, claims to have been inspired by me.
Takes all sorts.