Brief Thoughts on a Manic Monday #6

ITEM: I know that there are people who enjoy gardening just as I know that there are people who enjoy using nipple clamps and having hot wax dripped on their scrotums, but I don’t claim to understand either perversion.

Yeah, Pete’s once a year weeding session took place this weekend just gone, and I’m still aching and filled with an irrational anger that, while everything else is wilting in the heat, the bloody weeds continue to flourish.

ITEM: Summer is here and I keep stumbling across articles on various websites that tell me women in general, and celebrities in particular, have this thing called a ‘bikini body’ that they put on public display at this time of year.

None of the articles are particularly clear if this body is something ‘other’ than, and entirely separate from, the body they have the rest of the year, or simply the same body only with less clothes.

Last time I hit the beach in my speedo body it caused a bad case of mistaken identity – several Greenpeace volunteers in wetsuits tried to herd me back out to sea.

ITEM: Last week somebody turned up at Trumpetville after searching ‘great masturbation’. Yes folks, if you want great masturbation, this is the go-to blog.

I was so intrigued that I googled ‘great masturbation’ myself and found that our hardy searcher had to wade through fifteen pages of results before stumbling across Trumpetville. That takes dedication.

And the lure that brought him or her into my net – I made mention in passing of a book called Masturbation: The History of a Great Terror.

Colour me underwhelmed.

ITEM: The Big Pooh-Bah Cameron is to crack down on internet pornography. He’s concerned about the safety of children, which is a grand thing when coming from a man who famously left his own daughter behind in a pub and whose policies daily plunge more children and their families into poverty, while handing out tax cuts to millionaires.

And as this policy is announced just as the arrival of a new royal baby is imminent, one wonders which families DC considers irresponsible enough to allow their kids unsupervised internet access.

Meanwhile, for the rest of us it may well be a case of ‘back to the top shelf’, though even there the future is shaky, at least until Larry Flynn and Hugh Hefner sign up as clients of Crosby-Textor.

ITEM: Also last week, I received an invitation from a reputable website inviting me to take part in a competition to ‘win unusual muesli’.

I don’t know which puzzles me more – that anyone could consider muesli unusual or that they’re such cheapskates as to think it acceptable as a competition prize.

ITEM: It recently occurred to me, that you often see threads on Facebook where, if only you did a search and replace on the word ‘chav(s)’ with the word ‘immigrant(s)’, true blue Daily Mail readers would feel right at home.

Judging a whole group of people by the characteristics of a minority of that group is, of course, always wrong, and bigotry to be deplored whatever form it takes.

None of which alters my unshakable conviction that all active members of the Tory party are worthless heaps of shite who should be boxed up and shipped back to Greedland at the first available opportunity.

ITEM: A while back I saw a writer explain to a bunch of his or her peers that they had to write, had to get the words out or their head would explode.

Yes, I’ve noticed that happens all the time, with people who don’t write. There are parts of London where you can’t get on the tube without getting splattered with somebody’s brain matter when their heads explode because nobody would lend them a pen and a sheet of paper.

I wonder if there are online plumbing communities whose members claim their U bends will straighten out if they don’t get to set somebody’s ball cock to rights before the sun rises above the yardarm.

All innuendo intended.

And yes, I do understand about metaphors and similes and that sort of stuff, even if I sometimes have difficulty differentiating between the terms.

ITEM: It seems to me that the Labour party has adopted Hollywood style politics, stealing what they can from the other lot, running ideas past ‘test’ audiences, employing spin doctors and sound bites.

Their only policy nowadays seems to be to do and say whatever they think the public want to hear.

Their only purpose to get elected.

I long for True Labour instead of New Labour, politicians who would stand up and be counted, who had principles and were prepared to fight for them, no matter how unpopular, who were on the side of the poor and the sick and all the others who are being ruthlessly excluded by the right wing media, who’d argue their corner instead of just spouting popular opinion and backing it up with selective use of statistics, who had passion for a cause and a fire in their belly.

Of course, those guys and gals would be unelectable in the current climate, but at least I and others like me could vote for somebody we believed in, somebody worthy of our respect, an alternative to Ed Moribund and the spivs in cheap suits he surrounds himself with.

If your only purpose as a politician is to be elected, and the only way you can achieve that is by standing so close to the other guy that nobody can tell the difference, then honestly, what is the point of it all?


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