ITEM: It’s been a crap week so far, for a whole variety of reasons, but mainly owing to an unlooked for and unwelcome development in the matter of Pete’s health. Last weekend I got bitten by an insect, or so I thought, and a rather nasty place developed low down on the left side of my back. On Tuesday I stopped being stoical and suffering in silence, and nipped down to the village surgery for the nurse to take a look at it, and she rubber stamped my sister’s diagnosis of an abscess. Hmph!
Cue a course of antibiotics and dressing over the ‘wound’, which so inconveniently happened to be just where the waistband of my trousers are, meaning it chafes every time I move and causes a stinging sensation, and there’s accompanying chills, headache etc. Hmph! again.
It’s not until late afternoon today that things have started to ease up, presumably due to the antibiotics kicking in. Hurrah!
You may feel sorry for me should you wish, but please remember that sympathy, like so many other things, is best expressed in chocolate.
ITEM: I have a curious predisposition to all things black, and yet today in QD I was surprised to discover a bundle of black face towels. It all seemed rather decadent. Positively Des Esseintes, one could even say.
ITEM: So, I pick up the phone and the man with the Indian accent is on the other end of the line and claiming to be ringing from Windows Service Department. He wants to know if I know that there are viruses on my computer. I told him that no, I didn’t know that, but I did know that some unscrupulous types were ringing up people and telling them this as a ploy to get their financial details.
‘Fuck off then,’ he said.
It’s payback for last week when I got shirty with the late night caller.
ITEM: And, staying with last week’s themes, I bumped into another celebrity double, a man who, apart from being slightly pudgy and having a wart on his nose, was the spitting image of the actor Derek De Lint.
This is relevant because I recently picked up a cheap box set of Poltergeist: The Legacy which I used to watch when it was shown in the early days of Channel 5 and recall enjoying somewhat, though sadly I’m not quite so taken with it now. Okay, the first episode where Rachel gives birth to a demon child that drags her round the room by the umbilical chord was fun, but after that the rest seems so anticlimactic.
ITEM: A handy hint to all writers wondering how to respond to a negative review – reviewers are nice people, and often suffer pangs of guilt when we diss your work. It’s something we feel obliged to do from a sense of duty rather than for pleasure. If you remain polite and thank us for taking an interest in your writing, then the chances are you’ll make us feel really, really bad.
Contrarily, if you have a strop and throw all your toys out of the pram, then at that point we cease to give a shit. We stop feeling guilty and instead feel justified. Retroactively, by your bad behaviour, you vindicate us.
ITEM: The history teacher once asked me ‘Tennant, how do you spell Catherine’, and I replied, ‘Correctly sir, how do you spell it?’ I then proceeded to spell it wrongly.
Being a smartarse is bad enough, but to fail at being a smartarse is truly tragic.
ITEM: Contrary to plan, I didn’t bother watching Titanic last weekend to mark the centenary of the ship’s sinking. All things considered, I decided that I really didn’t want to see Kate Winslett’s breasts that badly.
Tomorrow however, I shall almost certainly mark the centenary of Bram Stoker’s death by reading The Lair of the White Worm.