I Know Who Killed Me

I bought this DVD in a ‘so many for a fiver’ deal off a ‘fly by night’ store down the Regent Road in Yarmouth last summer, and finally got to watch it this weekend just gone. It wasn’t a case of delayed gratification.

The main selling point seems to be that Lindsay Lohan plays a stripper, but as she prances round the stage like a carthorse and is wearing exactly the same clothes at the end of her ‘strip’ as she was at the start, it’s a scenario the word ‘anti-climax’ could have been invented for, and anyone buying it for that reason must have felt cheated (I only bought it to make up the number on my ‘for a fiver’ deal – honest). Demi Moore in Striptease was Oscar material by comparison, and she had a decent soundtrack (but I still detest that film for ruining my favourite Carl Hiaasen novel).

A young woman goes missing and then her mutilated body turns up. Shortly after, Aubrey (Lohan) also goes missing and her family fear the worst, but then she is found abandoned by the side of the road, her right leg and hand amputated. Only this young woman claims that she isn’t whitebread Aubrey, but somebody called Dakota, the daughter of a crackhead mother (deceased) and career stripper, and she has no idea of how she got there.

The police think she is holding something back, and on the hard drive of Aubrey’s computer they find a story featuring a character just like Dakota. It’s up to our heroine to break the case.

Okay, spoilers dead ahead. If you ever intend watching this then go read something else right now.

My thought was that Aubrey, under the stress of being tortured by her abductor, had taken on the persona of her fictional creation so that she could deal with the situation and survive.

It was worse than that. Aubrey and Dakota were twins, separated at birth when Aubrey’s ‘father’ bought her off the crackhead mother to replace a stillborn daughter (something the hospital staff and his wife apparently missed seeing). There’s a whole nature versus nurture dialogue to be had here, with Aubrey growing up to be a highly talented writer and musician while Dakota takes her clothes off.

They push it that little bit further though, with one of those psychic links twins are alleged to have, so that when her abductor cuts off Aubrey’s finger Dakota also loses a digit (Dakota finds evidence of how feasible this all is on the internet, of course). Finally, having lost her right leg and hand, instead of going to a hospital, Dakota stumbles out into the night, hitches a ride and falls down by the side of the road where she is discovered.

Even this, ridiculous as it all sounds, doesn’t completely destroy credibility. That comes with the actions of the police and the FBI investigating the case. They have a psychiatrist talk to Dakota, but they don’t actually backtrack and check out her story of life as a stripper. Even worse, with two girls missing, they don’t take the obvious step of checking for similarities between the victims, something even I’d know to do from watching CSI. Had they done that elementary thing, they would have surely noticed that both girls were award winning young musicians who had dumped the same piano teacher, a man who is punishing them for abandoning music by amputating the hand they play with and the leg they use to pump the pedal.


As a sidebar, I once took lessons on the French horn, and nobody gave a monkey’s when I gave up. In fact, relief all round.

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