1) Back ache. Specifically, back ache that happens when you do something as elementary as lean forward to turn on the tap to run a bath, so that you don’t even have the consolation prize of knowing that your condition is down to strenuous physical activity, such as running a marathon, fighting in the WWF or having an all nighter with two thirty something nymphomaniacs, not that I could do any of those things even in my prime.
It’s too humiliating. I’m thinking of giving up on personal hygiene as the less painful option. Yeah, I’ll smell. Deal with it.
2) People who, when you’re dealing with the excruciating pain of back ache, instead of commiserating, insist on telling you all about their own aches and pains, which invariably are far worse. And that is supposed to make me feel better how exactly?
3) When you’re filling in an online form, and you get to the bottom there’s a link to terms and conditions that you need to read, so you click that and when you back button all the parts of the form you’ve already completed are now blank. Put the terms and conditions at the top of the form, whydontcha?
4) When you’re filling in an online form and after a line for street name they go straight to town. Do the people who design these things not know that some of us still live in villages?
5) People who send their Christmas cards out at the very last moment, so that when I receive a card from somebody I didn’t expect to send me one there isn’t time to pop one into the post and pretend that it was what I intended all along.
6) The record companies’ continued insistence on packaging CDs in crappy little cardboard sleeves that it’s almost impossible to get them out of without damaging the surface. Specifically, that they do this with the recordings of the god Springsteen. It’s the equivalent of serving up vintage champagne in a urinal.
7) The fact that once again It’s A Wonderful Life doesn’t appear in the Christmas viewing schedules. Personally, I don’t care, but many moons ago I assured Ms P that it was on every Christmas, and every year since then I’ve been told, ‘You said that…’
8) Play.com informing me of a special offer involving Take That, just because a few years back I purchased one of their concert DVDs for a friend, and not telling me about the special offer on Andre Rieu, whose DVD I bought for myself.
Seriously, it was for a friend.
9) The fact that whenever you link ‘8’ with ‘)’ it turns into one of these – 8)
10) Those religious apologists who try to reconcile the concept of a benevolent and loving God with the existence of the Tory party. Get back to me when an exorcist is stationed outside #10 to chant ‘In the name of Christ I compel thee’ every time Dave pops his head round the door. Then I’ll believe you.
(Okay, I’m stretching a bit with some of those last ones, but hey, it’s nearly Christmas)