ITEM: I was on a bus on Wednesday, and sitting just in front of me was a young lady with a substantial amount of cleavage frothing over the front of her summer top. When she got off two other young ladies began to talk about her and the conversation ended something like this:-
1st: She was putting it all out there.
2nd: Bit much, weren’t it?
1st: Probably a lesbian.
It makes me despair for modern youth, and I’ll also mention in passing that the first of these judgemental young ladies had a dress that was showing more leg than the average Premiership team in short shorts on a match day (I notice these things).
ITEM: On the subject of being judgemental, Friedrich Willhelm Nietzsche ‘owns’ it. The item above reminded me of one of his aphorisms. Paraphrasing horrendously as I’m too lazy to get off my arse and look up the actual quotation:-
“Vanity protects one from anything, even the cold. Have you ever known a woman who knew she was well dressed to feel cold? I am assuming that she was wearing practically nothing.”
I adore Freddy’s prose, but you know, there are times when the guy really needed to lighten up.
ITEM: I’m not too proud to admit that there are occasions when I’ve purchased a DVD simply because I fancy one of the female members of the cast, but there are limits to how far I’ll go down this particular route, as for instance when I found myself in a shop in Norwich where a secondhand DVD of Stealth was going for a measly 75p. Cue an inner monologue along the lines of ‘…it’s a really, really crap film… …but Jessica Biel wears a bikini and it only costs 75p…’ Place on spin cycle for about twenty minutes. Eventually my adherence to aesthetic and intellectual standards won out over more salacious motives, and I left the shop without the DVD. But I’ve been wishing I hadn’t ever since, and the next time I’m in Norwich this will be the first place that I go in the probably forlorn hope that it’s still there for the taking.
Well, it is Jessica Biel in a bikini and only 75p.
And before you go all judgemental on me for letting Little Pete make the decisions that should be the prerogative of higher intellectual functions, it’s not just guys whose behaviour is dictated by this sort of nonsense. I have a friend who taped all three Pirates of the Caribbean movies when they came on television, carefully editing out all the scenes in which Johnny Depp didn’t appear. She claims that the films are much improved, and for her purposes I guess they are.
ITEM: The Imaginary Girlfriend turns sixty next month, and finding an appropriate birthday card is turning out to be a challenge. Our cards to each other invariably revolve around sexual innuendo, but although I can find joke cards that focus on over indulgence in alcohol, the effects of the advancing years etc, ribald and sexually explicit humour for the sixty year old appears to be a market niche Hallmark and their rivals have overlooked. No matter, as I am nothing if not adaptable.
ITEM: I have been casting about my environment at Chez Tennant for things that I can sell or simply get rid of, to make yet more room for all the things that I don’t want to sell or get rid of. A friend shocked me by suggesting that I dispose of my collection of five or six hundred vinyl records, and I waxed passionate about how these records, each and every one of them, involved precious memories, a record of my past in 12″ platters played back at 33rpm. She patiently waited out my hissy fit and then asked when was the last time I actually played one of these precious memories.
Let’s say that as far as that particular disagreement went, the answer ‘Not this century’ didn’t exactly carry the day.
Give me time though, and I’ll come up with something irrefutable. I can always justify acting however I want to, regardless of how illogical or just plain stupid it might be, and hopefully that is the only trait I have in common with a sociopath.
ITEM: The search engine terms continue to bemuse me. Today we once again have ‘lucy liu bondage’, which is enough to convince me that if I had the technical knowhow to create a pay per view porn site focusing on LL’s S&M(ish) appearances onscreen I could clean up, particularly if I also managed to somehow incorporate the ever popular ‘sex with a washer woman’ meme.
Yesterday somebody turned up here after searching ‘simon clarke, gay dude online’, and I can’t think of any response to that one beyond WTF. I wonder if some of my own searches seem equally incomprehensible and inane to onlookers.
ITEM: Advance warning – tonight, for the first time ever, I should be watching Goodfellas. I’m an impressionable sort, so the next post here could turn out to be very sweary.