ITEM: Do the rest of you go to absurd lengths to dispose of your finger and toenail clippings, so that they can’t be used to harm you in a black magic ritual?
Just me then?
Don’t laugh! The Imaginary Girlfriend is a bruja and you have no idea what she’s capable of.
ITEM: A question for any ladies reading this blog. Regarding Johnny Depp do you:-
a) Fancy him
b) Fancy him but only as Jack Sparrow
c) Not find him attractive at all
A friend of mine was quite concerned that she only found him a turn on when he was dressed up in pirate gear, but recently when discussing this with other women she’s discovered that it’s a common fetish, not just her.
If anyone has similar feelings about Captain Pugwash, this is probably the moment when I should mention that if you hire a pirate costume then I have cutlass and will travel.
That’s a joke which is going to go right over the head of anyone under forty.
ITEM: Recently my duffel bag sprung a hole in its bottom, and although I have a second duffel bag it’s really not big enough, so I’ve been looking round for a new one, but finding the classic duffel bag, with a noose tie, just doesn’t seem to be available any more.
All the bags in the shops appear to have been designed with the S&M aficionado in mind, consisting of a veritable plethora of straps and belts, ties and cords. I haven’t as yet found one with a complementary ball gag and gimp mask, but I bet it’s out there somewhere.
Why is simplicity anathema to the people involved in bag design?
ITEM: Recently I saw a competition you could enter by stating whose ghost you would like to meet in a graveyard and why.
So tempting to answer ‘(insert name of politician you hate) because that would mean he or she was dead’.
Tempting, but I refrained. I’m a nice person really. The rest is just an act.
ITEM: It’s not quite on a par with the heavenly delights of lemon and blueberry muffins, but when you’re in a tight spot foodwise, cheese on toast has a lot to commend it.
That’s all folks, as I now have to burn my fingernail clippings and scatter the ashes at sea. You can never be too careful.