Thoughts for the Weekend #9

ITEM: Do the rest of you go to absurd lengths to dispose of your finger and toenail clippings, so that they can’t be used to harm you in a black magic ritual?

Just me then?

Don’t laugh! The Imaginary Girlfriend is a bruja and you have no idea what she’s capable of.

ITEM: A question for any ladies reading this blog. Regarding Johnny Depp do you:-

a) Fancy him

b) Fancy him but only as Jack Sparrow

c) Not find him attractive at all

A friend of mine was quite concerned that she only found him a turn on when he was dressed up in pirate gear, but recently when discussing this with other women she’s discovered that it’s a common fetish, not just her.

If anyone has similar feelings about Captain Pugwash, this is probably the moment when I should mention that if you hire a pirate costume then I have cutlass and will travel.

That’s a joke which is going to go right over the head of anyone under forty.

ITEM: Recently my duffel bag sprung a hole in its bottom, and although I have a second duffel bag it’s really not big enough, so I’ve been looking round for a new one, but finding the classic duffel bag, with a noose tie, just doesn’t seem to be available any more.

All the bags in the shops appear to have been designed with the S&M aficionado in mind, consisting of a veritable plethora of straps and belts, ties and cords. I haven’t as yet found one with a complementary ball gag and gimp mask, but I bet it’s out there somewhere.

Why is simplicity anathema to the people involved in bag design?

ITEM: Recently I saw a competition you could enter by stating whose ghost you would like to meet in a graveyard and why.

So tempting to answer ‘(insert name of politician you hate) because that would mean he or she was dead’.

Tempting, but I refrained. I’m a nice person really. The rest is just an act.

ITEM: It’s not quite on a par with the heavenly delights of lemon and blueberry muffins, but when you’re in a tight spot foodwise, cheese on toast has a lot to commend it.

That’s all folks, as I now have to burn my fingernail clippings and scatter the ashes at sea. You can never be too careful.

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5 Responses to Thoughts for the Weekend #9

  1. Hi Pete,

    Always thought Have Gun, Will Travel was a great title. Packs an entire plot (and quite a bit of wit) in four little words.

    I’ve always loved brevity.

    Hemingway’s “saddest story ever told”, which in its entirety consists of six words: “For sale. Baby’s shoes. Never worn.”

    And of course the inspired, “(picnic, lightening.)”

    There seem to be quite a few bakeries near where you live. Lucky you! Myself, I lust after a truly great, heavy in the hand, soft, moist cheese Danish, sugary and creamy, the perfect complement to a cup of hot, slightly bitter coffee.

    Rob

    • petertennant says:

      Hi Rob

      Yeah, love those short, short stories. I don’t know if it’s right or not, but sure I heard somewhere that Hemingway wrote the baby shoes story to win a bet with F. Scott Fitzgerald. The story would have gone down well on twitter.

      That Danish sounds yummy. One of the local shops has daily deliveries of cakes, including the lemon and blueberry muffins. You have to get there early to grab one. I’m tempted to offer to do a paper round for them with payment in muffins.

      Incidentally, dipped into “I Smell Blood” last week. Still hoping, space allowing, to get a review in the August issue.

      • A review of “I Smell Blood” in the August issue would be great, if it works out. Thanks!

        The best bakeries we’ve found here in the States are in Milwaukee—could be the heavy German influence. Drive down almost any street, and you’ll find in a row a bakery/sweets store, a bridal shop, and a liquor store. I always thought there was something humorous about the sequence.

  2. DC5 says:

    As for the toe and fingernail clippings, no, I save them. I’m going to have mine chemically rendered into glue, which I will then toss in the face of any bruhas who come flying my way.

    • petertennant says:

      I favour immediate disposal – stockpiling clippings for rendering into glue is a good long term plan, but leaves you extremely vulnerable in the short term, and those black magic women are not going to wait around.

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