ITEM: Last weekend, for the first time in years, I had a prolonged bout of hiccoughs. I tried all the usual ‘remedies’ – holding my breath, drinking out of the wrong side of the cup, breathing into a paper bag, scaring myself (also known as ‘looking in the mirror’) – but although they’d go away for lengthy periods they kept coming back, until finally, just when I was ready to ring for paramedics, I woke up on Monday morning to find they’d gone. Hiccoughs can be amusing – that stupid sound you make, like a little dog yapping – but when they last for thirty six hours my sense of humour just isn’t that good.
ITEM: According to a friend of mine, when you’re sixteen slashed jeans are a fashion statement but at fifty-six they just mean that you’re poor and/or too lazy to go shopping. Everyone’s a critic.
On the subject of fashion, it recently occurred to me that it might be interesting if shops adopted the same policy with regard to clothes that cinemas, restaurants etc do with food (i.e. you can only come in wearing items that you’ve bought there). I mention this not as a serious suggestion, but to ironically underline the silliness/money grasping policy of the latter, though having said that it would make standing in the doorway and peeping inside the Ann Summers shop a lot more entertaining, though I’d have to be careful not to step inside as I’d look really daft in one of their bra and knicker combos.
ITEM: The whole thing with Pride and Prejudice and Zombies has made me wonder if there are classic films that might also be ‘improved’ with the addition of zombies, and the title that immediately leapt to mind was Zulu. What with being the living dead and all, there’d be no need for the Zombulus (R) to pause between attacks and so they’d just keep on coming, meaning we could dispense with all the boring male bonding stuff between Michael Caine, Jack Hawkins and the rest. Win, win!!
It’s an idea that definitely has legs. So, what other films? Suggestions anyone?
ITEM: Last weekend The Imaginary Girlfriend asked if I thought she fancied me, to which I answered yes, and instead of hanging up or laughing vehemently at such a preposterous idea, she didn’t respond at all. Thirty eight years and I feel I am finally making progress.
ITEM: The vagaries of the postal system continue to bemuse me, bemuse being a euphemism for ‘annoy intensely’. This morning I received a book sent to me from Australia on Wednesday, which is splendid service. On the other hand, also on Wednesday, I posted a birthday card first class to a friend in Suffolk, the next county over from me, and while I suppose it might have arrived today, as sure as shit it hadn’t when I spoke to her last night.
ITEM: I’m loving the new WordPress template which delivers cheery messages every time you post a blog entry. The other day I got ‘This is your 160th post. Dope!’ I’m going to assume that last is a hip and affirmative word used by all the cool kids, and not simply a comment on my level of intelligence.
ITEM: A while back I became aware of a ‘stunt teddy bear’ competition, with the artist Grayson Perry in search of three ‘charmismatic bears with great brains and delusions of grandeur’ to take part in his British Museum show later this year, and I considered entering my own ted, the fantabulous Mr Bruno (it was the thought of him getting fired out of a cannon). Having seen the finalists I’m glad that I didn’t as they look rather a rough bunch, whereas Mr Bruno is a suave individual (think Roger Moore as James Bond, but with fur).